Ashes

Eraser

2009-05-26T06:31:00.000-07:00

Ever had a eraser
unlike any other
not just one for erasing pencil marks
but big mistakes of your not so distant past.

Mistakes like these come but never go
they'll always stay there only to haunt you like a ghost
oh how i wish i had a eraser
that one unlike any other
just to erase these mistakes i made
to remove these bad cards i've played.

sometimes u cant find that special eraser
to rub off the black marks
off your life's permanent record
sometimes you just gotta move on
to that special someone who just makes u feel like you belong.
love and truth be told
i've found that special someone
but this someone, doesn't know
should i tell her? should i not
this is a tale left, to be forgot
not something for you to know
or to find out
because this is the tale
where life begins to comes about.

Silence is Bliss

2009-05-22T06:02:00.001-07:00

Have you ever been deaf?
totally unaware of what was going on everywhere?
being deaf is pretty sad
some might even call it bad
but from this life i've lead
i'm actually pretty glad

In the silence i find my peace
away from this world's sounds and its decrees
turning a blind eye to them may be nice
but what better than a deaf ear
to keep out their lies

Silence is definitely bliss
a place i always find my rest
in this domain i don't feel pain
unlike the world where i've lived in shame

In this silence, i feel joy
Almost like a kid receiving a gift or toy
Indeed like a present i've found
from the lack of being able to hear sound
sure it may suck from time to time
but it's definitely not something which would make me whine
and on this note
i end this passage i wrote
which starts from the time
my ear refuses to comply

Balloons

2009-05-20T09:05:00.000-07:00

I once had a bright red balloon
something which my mom used to tell me to hold tight onto
onto its string i placed my grip
in palm and always around my wrist

as i walked down the lonely sidewalk of life
this balloon began to fill up with sorrow and strife
slowly this balloon began to fill with more air
and rise above the ground, much more than i would ever dare
it broke away from the sidewalk of life
out into the big blue sky

it then started to rain
lightning and thunder came once again
it came as soon as it left
leaving streaks of white and blue across this land
next thing i knew
i saw a stripe of blue
come down in front of my face
much faster than what my memory could erase

i looked down to the ground
only to call my balloon found
and mine once again
it was totally blown apart
much like the dreams i once held close to my heart
still it bled the sorrow and shame
and i knew this because this balloon still. had. my. name.

Midget Attack

2009-05-19T04:36:00.001-07:00

it was a cold monday night
when the midget came by
he planted a seed
one filled with hatred and greed
slowly this seed grew
the next day it began to bloom

its tuesday now
and its the end of the respite
the oversized man
drew his long knife
he attacked back at the midget with words
only to have more thrown back
than what he had hurled

the midget attacked
spitting black fire from his mouth
out came the flame
which would never go out
words said leave a mark
something which can never torn out
leaving a wound
one which wont heal soon

after the years go by
these midgets lies
will be dead and gone
leaving cindering logs
of the rubbish he's proclaimed
from a life full of shame
only to leave behind an empty shell
off something i used to call a 'pal'

Learning to breath

2009-05-14T09:38:00.001-07:00

It's all just cuz i'm learning to breathe
i'm learning to smile
to take a small step back
and walk away from this life
one filled with hatred
one filled with pain
gosh i don't know why hasnt this life made me insane

what if it was meant to be
all this shit thats been happening to me
all this pressure
all this pain
something so mundane
what if its all a test
something set by someone to seperate me from the rest
what if.

this could all be part of life
like those fuel notes that told me 'faith overcomes trials'
the trials that bind
what if all this were part of the plan
something not set in sand
but a plan solid and true
something written in black and blue

maybe its time
i broke of this chain
chained to the life i'd tried to give up
because i thought the problems were lame.
it was like ' why suffer when i can run? '
i could just hop on my bike and jump the gun.

thank something i didnt
that i didnt just leave
that something saved me
from a darker world unseen

now decisions have to be made
choices have to be selected
whether to make or break
to live life well.
or to just leave it rejected.

Souljaboy DarkMix

2009-05-14T06:51:00.000-07:00

Souljaboy off in this oh
Off the edge
or out the window
watch me crank that soul tonight
then go superman and oh
now watch me go
now watch me go

Souljaboy off like a rock
watch me lean and watch me duck
now watch me crank that soul tonight
or just watch it right

souljaboy off in this oh
off the edge or out the window
watch me crank that soul tonight
then go superman and ohh
out the window
and ohh
now watch me go

souljaboy darkmix
-Joshua Au c2009

Love.

2009-05-13T06:25:00.000-07:00

Love is patient
Love is kind
Once an emotion given
From someone divine

Sinful in nature
Holy in truth
Love is an emotion
But also a deadly tool

It never forgives
It never forgets
Leaving horrid scars
On your mind's inner depths
It is gently brutal
Terrifyingly sweet
Not something
You'd be able to keep

Always moving
Always changing
Never staying
on the same victim

Leaving behind death and brimstone in its wake
And thats what it did just yesterday

Slowly it eats you
And tears you apart
Tearing you from the inside
Starting with the heart

Everything else stops
Ceases to exist
When this drug called love
Leaves ur lips

Unforgiving as I had said
Never allowing you to forget
Of that one time you fell in love
That one time she broke your heart

2 sides of a coin

2009-05-08T12:48:00.000-07:00

To every coin
there 2 sides
one will remain in darkness
and the other remaining in light
Some call it heads
Some call it tails
What I call it
is what life entails

A dear friend of mine,
now our lives intertwined
spoke words of life
into this broken spirit of mine
Words of life
Words of wisdom
Which have uplifted this soul
from this dark cataclysm

That man called it his mind
I call it the shattered pieces of my life
From the depths a new creature must emerge
a beautiful butterfly once unheard
Spreading its wings and learning to fly
away from this place of death and demise
to find refuge and solice
in this place far from his own apocalypse
in this place of sanctitude the butterfly can be found
Perched atop a hills crown.
This butterfly now allowed to fly free
Just by a man's simple care and concern shown unto he.
End.

Blinded

2009-05-02T08:04:00.000-07:00

Can't you see.your words are right but why can't you tell that they hurt? that they cut right through me. why are you so blind. its not like i don't know what im doing is not right but why won't you just leave it? save your 'words of wisdom' for someone who wants it. i don't want your money. just leave me, and stop trying to be the good friend who shows tough love and gets me back on my feet. IT JUST DOESNT WORK FOR EVERYONE. why cant you just see.

bleeding wrists

2009-04-26T05:08:00.000-07:00

Bleeding Wrists
Raindrops keep falling on my head
Drip drip drip
And blood keeps flowing from my wrist
Its not like u care, about my lame rendition
Of the fake happiness someone lives in

I don’t care much for life as of now
I feel like taking that one last bow
To rip myself from this planet
Where your face is everywhere I swear it

It doesn’t matter though
Our friendship only meant for show
I’m dying inside I swear it
But you couldn’t really give a shit
All these years of our lives
We’ve been living this stupid lie
That this friendship could have worked
But all along we both knew it was in the dirt
Down in that grave six feet under
I should be down there too, but it doesn’t matter.
Cuz nothing is worth living for,
when all im doing is just fucking up it all.

Dark clouds

2009-04-26T04:01:00.000-07:00

Here come the clouds
over head and filled with rain
ready to release
but its not enough
those rains wont save this dry ground

theres nothing feeding my seed
something struggling to grow indeed
never sprouting
simply drowning
in this sea of heat

puffs of death
drugs of light
light up my dark starless night
lifting my soul
only to let it go
and fall back to that same dry ground again

trying to take root
to break free and sprout
only to be binded
by the smoke chains which keep me grounded
spread my wings and fly
ran out of breath only to drop and die

what if i just destroyed the thing i treasured most
the one thing i couldnt buy
what if i just killed it
stabbed it with word shaped knives

why am i so fucked up
i should just give up
take a walk to the edge
and fall off with many regrets
of things i didnt do
or things i could've done
god why do i always fuck it all up.
i just don't belong here
i dun make anyones lives better
all i do is say the wrong things
do the wrong actions
only to dim the spirit
and kill their happiness
maybe i should die
maybe i could tonight
but is it worth it
i think that just confirmed it.

end.

ticking clocks

2009-04-25T08:47:00.000-07:00

as the little needle moves
the minute hand follows
around in a cycle
filled with sorrows
it never moves out of place
or stops to take a break
rotating rotating as it goes

never slowling, never lagging
only temporarily slacking
making it go out of sync
to what others would deem pleasing

the poor clock unwanted and void
simply not good enough to be someones toy
to be used
to be valued
something people used to turn to
but now as reality sets in
just like a slap to its face
the poor clock is no longer wanted
left to be only something forgotten

ironic isnt it?
sounds alot like me
once my "owner" was through
i became last years news
had he forgot?
or he didnt care
either way
i'm as good as not there

just to be left out in the dark
only to cling to life by the stroke of luck
maybe i should be like the clock
still rotating without a doubt
not being of any use
minute hands still on the move
out of everyones view
only to be the piece once valued.

wayward bound

2009-04-24T08:40:00.000-07:00

Roadmap required

Down this lonely road i go
all sad and alone
not with a friend by my side
calling shotgun or just catching a ride
to the edge of this place which i called "home"
the place where all my pain and hurt was born

i never asked for any of this
all the things blown to me by the "wind"
notice my recent abreviations
im trying to use something called SARCASM
im not really the happiest guy around
no prizes for who can guess why i constantly hate myself

i hate myself for trusting this
the great plan and all that shit
i heard it once
i heard it twice
why cant u just tell it just dont sound nice
i don't wanna hear all your crap
that im loved or that u care
because i know its all a fasad
just because u liked my "shiny cars"
i will nvr know who might really notice
all the pain i feel right now is just bogus
i shouldnt have to deal with this
ive done nothing wrong
especially to the one i used to call God
but since im stuck here i'll live with it
or maybe i'll end it all with a simple slit of the wrist.

end.

To whom it may concern.

2009-04-24T00:23:00.000-07:00

Stranger
Hey there stranger
The unknown friend I see in the corner
I’ve been watching you for awhile
And I really lost myself in your smile
Its kinda nice not knowing who’s your best friend
Someone to last with you to the end
The kind of dude who would stick with you
Through all the shit we’d get in to

Not knowing who’s your best friend is nice I guess
Being alone and separated from the rest
Only having a circle of friends u call a clique
Cuz everything else looks really bleak
Maybe I’m insecure, but so what
Who gives a fuck.
If I died today
It wouldn’t cause anyone any dismay
I’d just be forgotten
Just like that stranger
Who’s name I had never gotten.

Words from within

2009-04-23T06:02:00.000-07:00

I'm into the habit of poetry and if u don't like it stop reading.

Poison
Poison never felt this good
probably alot better than it should
Stopping my blood cold as ice
leaving me to my own device

Probably the words i don't need to hear
awakening every one of my dreams and fears
slowly it eats away
surely day by day
it grows into a pain
one my body cannot sustain

my soul longs to break free from its case
out of this shell
into a better place
what would be left from this empty shell
something left behind for everyone else

Empty would be this cover
one which none can see under
none can see
none can pass
into this pit
forged from a broken spirit
and pieces of glass

Some call it madness
I call it life
others call it emo
sanity level equals zero

stews.. green, blue, black or white
all look tasty in my sights
if it makes me feel better than how i feel now
whats the difference if i died anyhow
nothing ventured nothing gained
or else the outcome would be the fucking same

so if you read to this point of malice and strife
wonder whats going on in this screwed up mind
thats a good question which i have no answer to
maybe you'll find it before me or
before
i
find
you

Satan,

Rainbows in the night sky

2009-04-21T06:22:00.000-07:00

Hope is now like rainbows in the night sky. It is possible that its there but you just can't see it. I'm a dam emo bastard now and i cant stand myself but yet i'm so helpless to save me from my greatest enemy, myself.

save me.

Words written in blood

2009-04-20T07:12:00.000-07:00

Whats life anymore. Heres a definition from a web dictionary. So i didnt flip a few pages to find the actual meaning in a proper dictionary. Fucking sue me.

Life - The property or quality that distinguishes living organisms from dead organisms and inanimate matter, manifested in functions such as metabolism, growth, reproduction, and response to stimuli or adaptation to the environment originating from within the organism.

Heres mine - It is a heart wrenching walk, filled with pain and suffering only for you to bear.

Short no? Life pretty much sucks big time now. Nothing to look forward to but more pain. Sure it seems easy but its so pointless. have you ever wondered what on earth your here for? No book recommendations e.g. purpose driven - Rick warren. I live day to day just to kill myself slowly. physical mental. i wont say spiritual cuz im dead there already. spiritual man rotting and all.

A little poetry for the soul

Pulsating
Is the man’s heart longing for acceptance
Mourning
Is his hearts only cry
Forever in this life entangled
Is this boy’s spirit confined

Not ready to fly
But thrown off the edge
No longer hanging by some thread
Tis the story of the life i’ve lead

A slit of the wrist
A step of faith
Both will save this man from this place

Make or break
Live or die
These are this boy's lullaby
Never ending sorrow ensues
To finally break his spirit into two

Sometimes I just don't get life, God, God. God wants to have a relationship with me. I try, but he is a dao-ist. he just cant be bothered with me. i'm like a seed planted in a bloody dessert. I try to survive but i just cant make it. maybe i wasnt meant to. who knows maybe i'll find out on the other side.

Live life to the fullest, bullshit
Joshua